Many times in our lives we come across walls and barriers that keep us from the love we deserve. Circumstances in life help us and hinder us, but ultimately it is our decision. We have the power and the ability to decide what we make of certain situations and whether or not we use them to empower us for the future.
These are things I believe in, but when it comes to myself I tend to revert to previous thinking. Sometimes the circumstances in our lives, the walls we find ourselves up against, are overwhelming. Something about this certain circumstance seems too huge to tackle, a feat we are not capable of. Although I believe we have the power to decide what we make of our situation, 9 times out of 10 I still choose self-pity. I still choose to either sit in the emotions of what I am feeling or to pretend like they don’t exist, choosing anything else isn’t even an option. Why is this though?
Why is it that I can’t take the advice I’m so willing to give to others? Why is it that I feel like the truth of it applies to everyone but me?
Many of us may be asking these same questions, yet none of us have found the courage to talk about it quite yet. To discuss why we feel like we don’t really fall under the category of “worthy of the truth”. We sing songs about love, grace, faith, and mercy but we don’t let that truly enter our personal lives.
Tonight at Merge we will be singing a song called “Your Love Awakens Me” by Phil Wickham. This is a song we have done at previous services, but whether or not you have heard of it before, it brings a powerful message we all should think about. The song isn’t a slow song that “pulls on your heart strings” necessarily, but it is a meaningful declaration of what it means to be loved by God. Looking deeper, the song describes some of the same fears we have discussed but pairs them with the truth that we know to be true as well.
The song acknowledges the darkness and distress that comes with our lives, letting us know that these are not things to be ashamed of. These parts of our lives should be talked about and respected. The walls that we put up and that come into our lives, distracting us from God’s love and grace, are a part of the life we lead but can be broken down. We may not always have the power or feel that we have the power to conquer our demons, but God already has.
As I mentioned earlier, I still struggle with this concept. My wall lately has been my inability to take time away from being busy. I over-commit and become a basket case trying to get everything done in an acceptable form. Between my increasingly busy workload this semester and extracurricular involvement I find myself losing sleep, some days my sanity. Another wall that I am working on in my life right now is my need to please everyone. There is a difference between fulfilling commitments and feeling guilty for not giving everything you have all of the time. You need to keep some of what you have for yourself. Self-care is important and in order to fulfill our commitments we have to be emotionally, physically, and spiritually well. Being well doesn’t mean you have it all together all of the time, but it means you take time to personally work on these aspects of your life often.
The more I let these walls consume me and run my life the less connected I feel to God. This is worrying in more ways than one, but one being that God’s love is what has surrounded me and kept me focused on recovery and self-love for the past few years. Although my walls and the circumstances of my life won’t magically disappear, in my brokenness I find that God’s love is greater and stronger. We can feel the darkness begin to shake.
“You love is greater. Your love is stronger. Your love awakens me”.
No matter where we are at in our lives or what we are trying to overcome, this song reminds us that God’s love is more powerful. He offers us grace and wraps us in unconditional love. Sometimes we might mistake this offer for the darkness that comes into our lives often, but if we accept it we might just be awakened to the truth.
As always, if you need to reach out to me my email is firstname.lastname@example.org